Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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