4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Randomize
