If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
