it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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