im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
