I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
