I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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