I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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