I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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