i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Randomize
