You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
