nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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