My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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