i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
