Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
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