I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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