You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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