Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
