he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
