im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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