don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
It's never too late to be topless.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
