there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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