Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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