she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
