I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
