The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
