and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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