Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
