she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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