I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
