A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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