i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You're earring is so big in my mouth
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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