They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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