Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Please, let me fuck your mom
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
