Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
