Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
