I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
