I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
