Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize