MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize