New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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