The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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