Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
