so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
