Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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