it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
