Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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