Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
