I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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