Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
i think i just lost a toe
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
