just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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