He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
