I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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