This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
