Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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