I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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