you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
