I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
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