I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Terrible idea I love it
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
