My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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