Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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