I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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