i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
